So here I am, starting to feel human again, loving my hormones, and life over all taking on a nice mellow pattern. And then....my mom has been diagnosed with intestinal cancer. Seriously, how the fuck does this shit happen twice in a year in one family!?!? I'm pretty sure the statistical odds of it happening are ridiculously small!
Right now she's still in the diagnosing phase, so we don't really know how bad it is, but the doctors are already talking about it having metasticized. I think what pisses me off the most about all of this is that she's been sick for the last few years, and they've done all kinds of tests, blood work, specialists, even a frickin' bone marrow biopsy (I was seriously ready to start kicking ass and taking names when I saw how awful she looked after that!). So all of that....and none of the specialists, doctors, etc. thought, "hey, let's check her GI tract." WTF!?!? You check for a brain tumor, but not the stomach!?!?!? GAH!!!
It all started when she was diagnosed with celiac disease a few weeks ago. We were very excited because we thought FINALLY there's an answer to how sick she's been. A few diet changes, a little time and poof she'd be off the transfusions and back to her old self. But noooooo there has to be a goddamned 3"x5" tumor in her gut that's going to kill her. We already know it's an adenocarcinoma, which is the scary aggressive cancer, but the question now is where did it come from and is it anywhere else. FUCK!!!
Part of me is trying desperately to hold on to a zen calm (tripling my st johns wort intake helps), but just like with my own cancer, there is a part of me that is stomping my feet and shaking my fists at the heavens demanding to know why the fuck God would do this to me and my family again! Seriously. This is some fucked up shit. I just don't know what I'll do if she dies. I'm not ready for this. All I keep thinking about is that I'll be an orphan. Yes, I know I have my sisters and my niece, but she's my marmie god damn it! She taught me how to walk and talk (which I'm sure there's been more than a few times she regretted that one!) She sang me my first song and gave me a love of music. She taught me to read, to laugh and love. She's the only person in the world who put up with my bullshit, told me I was full of it, and still wanted to play tickle wars at the end of the day. With all the ups and downs of my life, mamma has been the one person to love me unconditionally, been there to dry my tears and the one shoving my fat ass back on the horse when all I wanted to crawl into a hole. She held my hand through my cancer, came with me to my appointments, and helped me to face the realities of my treatment. She cooked for me, called me every day, and gave me the courage to heal and move on. I can't face the reality that these may be the last holidays we have together.
I don't know what I"ll do without her.
