Living with Terror

I wish I could have just one day where I didn't have to think about cancer.  The grief and mourning of my sterility is easing, but always in the back of my mind is the thought, "What if it's back?"  Every ache and twinge makes me wonder if it's cancer.  The physical euphoria I felt after the surgery has long since gone, and now I almost feel back to how I did before surgery.  What I can't figure out is whether this is because the cancer is back, or if it's the stress and near-paranoia of thinking about the cancer being back.  There's a bittersweet edge to all my joys. The edge of desperation has ebbed, but cancer is always there. I can sometimes go a day or two without having moments of tears at the back of my throat, but most days I have to fight back the emotional flood.  I know on the surface, a lot of people don't see the chaos and turmoil simmering underneath, and I know it's my usual way of dealing - to hide away my pain until I can process it later.  But my little emotional hiding place is just bursting at the gills.

My logical brain tells me that all of this is part of the aftermath of the last few months catching up with me.  From a psychological perspective, you could say that I'm finally in a place where I'm ready to start processing everything I went numb to after I was diagnosed.  I did have a bit of a breakthrough this week, and have come to realize that I'm finally ready and in a place to join a support group and do some counseling. I've known that it's something I've needed to do for awhile, but at the same time, I wasn't ready to be open to help.  All the time at work, I tell people that they need to quit smoking in their own time and space, and I guess the same goes for me in dealing with cancer.  I called my oncologist this week, and got some referrals, and there's a retreat in September I'm DEFINITELY planning to go to.  My next step on Monday is to find a therapist that can help me get all these crazy and wild thoughts and emotions in perspective and under control.

So, while I'm incredibly thankful to whatever powers that be that I have most of my life back, I know that my journey through cancer isn't over yet - even if the diseased cells are gone.  I hope.