Thoughts on Motherhood

Most recently, the grotesque head of barrenness has been rearing.  I'm well past the breaking down at restaurants, or stifling urges to indefinitely "borrow" my friend's babies.  But the desire to be a mother is, at times, overwhelming.  I've accepted that the experience of pregnancy and childbirth aren't meant to be. I know in my heart that somewhere out in the world is a little person who needs a mother as much as I need a child, but the hurdles to overcome are staggering at times.

I often ask myself, why do I want a child so badly?  It's a crazy responsibility, and it's not like I'm married, or rich or anything like that.  I don't hold a secret fetish for changing diapers, or being vomited on.  Let's face it, they're germ-vectors, spewing forth the disease and contagion of the world.  A good friend of mine once told me that she hadn't had a good nights sleep since the day before she gave birth.  Anyone who has seen me low on sleep knows that to want to voluntarily consign myself to chronic sleeplessness is a sure sign of mental illness.  Kids are sticky, they can embarrass you, they argue, they're all kinds of expensive, and don't get me started on merely just keeping up with the never-ending energy the little buggers seem to have.  The fear of creepy-crawlers lurking behind bushes, or crazy drivers running red lights at the cross-walk is enough to make anyone with an ounce of sense give pause.

So why DO I want a child?

I want to be there to see the first smile.  I want to soothe a fever and kiss boo-boo'd knees.  I want to teach little Suzie how to ride her first bike.  I want to show little Justin how to hold his fingers in the right position for the piano.  I want to do back-to-school shopping and go to parent-teacher conferences.  I want to lay in bed and teach Janie little hand games like my mother did.  I want to see little Davie grow up to be a proper gentleman (I don't care what day and age it is, chivalry NEVER goes out of style!)  I want to make lopsided birthday cakes with freakishly blue frosting (yes, Sophia, I remember...)  I want to be sopping wet at bath time, and sing lullibies after reading Goodnight, Moon.  I want to see the lightbulb of understanding as we try to decipher the latest math homework. I want to pass on my love of music and theater, and be there for all of the firsts in a child's life.  I want to see my mom holding and loving my child, as only a proper Nanna can.  I want to decorate the house for Christmas and share the child-like joy of the annual picture with Santa at Nordstrom.

In short, despite the plethora of drawbacks, I want to be a mother....and cancer has stolen that from me, or at the very least made it extremely difficult for these experiences to ever be mine.  Fuck you cancer!