Ahhh...the warm afterglow of recovery...

It's hard to believe that a month ago I was dying, and today I'm back to work, and physically almost completely recovered (except for this last, and biggest, pesky little incision that sits right where ALL of my pants sit and rub it.)

In reality though, even while my deep desire to get my life back is coming true, the emotional wounds aren't healing quite as quickly and easily as the surgery incisions are.  I wouldn't say it's depression, because honestly, I haven't felt this good in a long time.  In some ways, it's a bit like riding a roller coaster, one moment I'm flying high feeling wonderfully content with where things are, and then in an instant I'm completely overwhelmed by the littlest thing.  Last week, at a family breakfast, everything was going great.  Then a couple was seated next to us who had a little one (maybe 5-6mo old?).  It took everything in me to avoid watching them.  When the baby started to get fussy and cry, my sister (who was sitting across from me) and I couldn't help but look over.  We made eye contact with each other, and while her face read "Omg, HOW CUTE!", I crumpled and started crying.  In the middle of a busy restaurant, with everyone there.  My sis came over and wrapped me in a warm hug until I was able to pull it together, but I realized that the emotional trauma of this was finally catching up to me. (On a side note, it's amazing how we unconsciously and naturally repress emotions until we're ready to cope with them.)

Afterwards, I was completely confused and had no idea why just seeing a random baby would turn me in to a puddle of despair. There's no rational reason why just thinking about babies is making my otherwise mostly sunny world and turning it into a hot flash ridden shadowland. Mom and I talked about it, and she simply said, "Honey, you're grieving."  By her saying that, the puzzle pieces clicked into place and I realized that what I thought was completely nutty, is actually totally normal. Who wouldn't grieve having to give up something and primal and fundamental as the ability to reproduce?  Yeah, yeah, yeah, adoption, surrogates, blah blah blah. And yes, I'm most definitely going to do it in the next year or two, but there's a big difference between choosing to adopt and having to.  Even though the physical scars are healing, I know that I still have a LONG road ahead of me before I'm recovered.

Since that talk with mom, I've tried my best to acknowledge these feelings when they come up.  I think the thing that scares me the most is that I completely see how a woman could do something crazy, like kidnap a baby.  Now don't go getting all freaked out and clutch your children, you all KNOW I haven't totally cracked, but I can see now, more than ever before, how the despair and grief could make someone snap.  I haven't been around any of my friends kids yet, and I haven't held a baby at all since the diagnosis.  I'm pretty sure the first time will be hard, and I'll probably start crying, but you know, deep down inside, I feel strong.  I've had to give myself permission to feel all the things that are going to come up (even if they don't make sense)  Honestly, it's the only way I can see to ever grow past it.