If any of you have ever had a colonoscopy or abdominal surgery, you'll know what the next two hours of my life are going to be like. For those not in the know, anytime they work on yer innerds, you have to have a completely free and clear digestive tract. This is achieved through a thoroughly unnatural method known as "GoLYTELY". I don't know what sick fucker came up with a name like that (pronounced go-lightly), but he has one hell of a wicked, bordering on sadistic sense of humor. The extra kick in the throat - I have to drink a gallon (yes, a GALLON!) of the stuff, 8oz every 10 min. until its gone, or I'm empty. I've fully prepared myself with Charmin extra soft, wipes, and cream. Let's see how this goes....
5:30pm: first 8oz down. It doesn't taste so bad, but the texture is thick and salty. Not feeling anything yet.
5:40pm: Next dose went down like the first - yucky and slimy. Still nothing.
5:55pm: I'm pretty sure maybe everyone was just fucking with me. A few burps, but that's it. I am starting to feel a little water logged and sloshy, and the flavor/texture is becoming tolerable.
6:10pm: I definitely concur w/ the doctors advice to make sure it's super cold. I've been keeping it in the freezer between doses, and oddly enough it's getting less nasty and slimy tasting the longer it's in there. I'm feeling decidedly less full than I was when I started the mixture and given the scope and magnitude of my last meal, this is a little disconcerting.
6:20pm: LIES!!! ALL LIES!!! I feel fine (if not a little water logged). Admittedly, all the hype has had me wonderfully distracted from the surgery. Dang I'm getting a little burpy....
6:34pm: I'm starting to dread opening my freezer, knowing that the fluid level in the gallon jug isn't anywhere near where I want it to be. GROAN!
6:45: Ok...a little rumbling starting. Is this the beginning of the torture everyone was warning about?
6:57: Round one - honestly, not that bad Certainly nothing worth make a hubbub about. I'll spare the details, but honestly, I've had worse. Food poisoning is worse than this. Pshaw! That's the last time I listen to my friends about drinking gallons of laxatives.
7:12: Yeah, it's all hype. Bullshit hype! The only problem right now is that I'm starting to get hungry, I have a house full of all kinds of yummy food, and can't touch any of it. Sad panda.
7:25: Why would people make up something as awful as explosive, painful, vaseline-requiring diarrhea? It makes no sense to me at all. I mean, yeah, it's amusing to mess with peoples heads sometimes about silly stuff like poop, but honestly I'm feeling a little let down, like maybe there's something wrong with me? Or like my digestive system is crazy slower than everyone else?
7:41: I'm seriously tired of drinking this stuff. I mean, if I'm thirsty, I can suck down fluids like a camel, but we're starting to reach the water (drinking) torture level here. It's just cruel to make someone drink this much fluid. Why can't it come in pill form? What's wrong with a pill?
7:55: Oh my! I just lost about 18lbs of "fluids" in about 8.2 nanoseconds. My goodness!
8:10: another 14lbs....another 3.4 nanoseconds. You know, there's no way this could be called the "squirts". See, that implies that there is some kind of way to control this, or at the least it's a small amount. Like "blip" ooops I squirted! No, the area of my body formerly known as my backside has turned into a freakin' fire hose.
8:20: Ok...a reprieve...I might make it through this....
8:56: I give...I'll tell you anything you want, just don't make me drink anymore!! I'll tell you where the microfiche is! I'll tell you where Hoffa's buried!!! I'll confess to whatever crime you want me to! JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!
9:15: Clear. The nurse said I have to keep drinking until everything coming out is clear. It is NOT NATURAL for the digestive tract to run clear. Then the nurse said to also drink more clear fluids in addition to the slurry. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! I'm bloating up and a giant cankle as it is!
9:40: Mommy....hold me....hold me tight mommy....make it stop!!!
10:57: FINALLY! All clear. And I didn't have to quite drink it all (yeah, less than half a liter left.)
11:17: WHY!??!?! Sweet baby jesus in the manger WHY?!?!? It was clear....all fluid...all clear....now, well, not clear. SON OF A.......
11:51: Seriously, I almost didn't make it this last trip. Why would a doctor do this to their patients?? It's just cruel!
12:09: Well, it's officially after midnight, so nothing else can go in the tummy - THANK GOD! Things have been quiet for the last 15 min or so...maybe it's done?
Ok, now that I'm officially through the worst of it, here are my thoughts:
1. This colon cleansing violates the Geneva Convention mandate on human rights.
2. GoLytely is officially a form of cruel and unusual punishment in every state in the union.
3. Contrary to all advice, the coming out isn't the problem-it's the going in.
I feel totally drained, and empty...yet ironically and horrifyingly hungry. FML.
7 hours till surgery....yeah, I'm TOTALLY gonna sleep well tonight! LOL!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
If you want to make God laugh...
Tell him about that you've made a plan.
I don't know that I would consider myself one of those crazy planning people - you know the ones who have rigid schedules, and their entire lives are regimented down to the minute. At the same time, I am goal and plan oriented. I set a goal, I make my plan, and I do it. With my life, I work best when there's a plan (good or bad!), and being chaotic or out of control is SOOOO not my thing. But with this whole cancer thing, everything is thrown into a tailspin. There is no planning anymore. I see conferences, plays, movies, etc. that I'd love to go see, and I have to check myself and say, wait, am I going to be well enough to go? Even more important -- am I going to be alive then?
When you have a doctor tell you that you are within months of dying, it really does put a whole new perspective on things. Not so much with the whole "Oh if only I'd done *blank*", but at my age, death and dying just aren't things that you think about. Up until now, I was thinking, grad school, marriage, family...now I'm thinking who's going to take care of my cats if I die. That's pretty fucked up. LOL! At the same time, there's a part of me that's not all negative about death. If the worst case scenario happens, I'm feeling peaceful about it. I know that I've lived a good life - I've loved, laughed, danced and sang. I am loved and if I do die, I know I'll be remembered.
Ok, yeah, that was depressing as fuck, right? See, that's what makes this situation so nutty - on the one hand, I'm gonna go all Chuck Norris over this cancer and teach it a thing or two about messing with the Prairie Dog, and then I get all reflective about what it's going to be like to let go of life. One thing that I can say with all certainty is that I want to live, and I'll do whatever I need to keep on going. As most of you know, passivity is NOT part of my nature, but I want to handle this with as much grace and dignity as I can (yeah so what if I trip on flat surfaces!)
I don't know that I would consider myself one of those crazy planning people - you know the ones who have rigid schedules, and their entire lives are regimented down to the minute. At the same time, I am goal and plan oriented. I set a goal, I make my plan, and I do it. With my life, I work best when there's a plan (good or bad!), and being chaotic or out of control is SOOOO not my thing. But with this whole cancer thing, everything is thrown into a tailspin. There is no planning anymore. I see conferences, plays, movies, etc. that I'd love to go see, and I have to check myself and say, wait, am I going to be well enough to go? Even more important -- am I going to be alive then?
When you have a doctor tell you that you are within months of dying, it really does put a whole new perspective on things. Not so much with the whole "Oh if only I'd done *blank*", but at my age, death and dying just aren't things that you think about. Up until now, I was thinking, grad school, marriage, family...now I'm thinking who's going to take care of my cats if I die. That's pretty fucked up. LOL! At the same time, there's a part of me that's not all negative about death. If the worst case scenario happens, I'm feeling peaceful about it. I know that I've lived a good life - I've loved, laughed, danced and sang. I am loved and if I do die, I know I'll be remembered.
Ok, yeah, that was depressing as fuck, right? See, that's what makes this situation so nutty - on the one hand, I'm gonna go all Chuck Norris over this cancer and teach it a thing or two about messing with the Prairie Dog, and then I get all reflective about what it's going to be like to let go of life. One thing that I can say with all certainty is that I want to live, and I'll do whatever I need to keep on going. As most of you know, passivity is NOT part of my nature, but I want to handle this with as much grace and dignity as I can (yeah so what if I trip on flat surfaces!)
Friday, February 25, 2011
Four days and counting.....
"Although there is no certainty about what lies ahead, people live with the hope that all will go well for them. It is impossible to fulfill our life when we are utterly discouraged. But if we manage to keep our hopes in the future alive, we will be able to overcome all sorts of difficulties and go on living." ~Dalai Lama
For some reason this really resonates with me tonight. Right now I'm completely focused on just getting through the surgery. It's like a part of my psyche has blocked out that this is cancer. It's now "surgery", almost on par w/ the surgeries I've had for the whole sinus thing. I know that once the surgery is done, I'll have the kicking in of some of the more long term emotional crap and depression, but for now it's almost a relief to just be dealing w/ the fear of surgery.
I think part of the fear is coming from that feeling that I've always had a the hospital being prepped for surgery. The endless waiting, getting the IV put in really makes it all seem horribly real. And then, just when I'm at the emotional breaking point, they come and give me that pre-anesthesia stuff that makes all my problems go away. At my last sinus surgery I ended up singing christmas carols all the way to the operating room (yes, it was just around christmas) Oh yeah, the operating room was on another floor, and I was singing at the top of my lungs. Yeah, that's how I roll. I'm thinking this time a broadway medley might be in order
The other major thing that has me on edge is the financial side of things. It sucks because I don't qualify for hardly any kind of assistance. I've managed to be able to get $200/mo in food stamps (yeah, that's not a blow to the ol' pride or anything), but basically that's it. I've got enough pesos to cover most of my regular bills for march, but literally, that's it. No money for doctor co pays, the medical bills are already starting to come through, let alone any kind of emergencies that may come up. And heaven forbid there's a complication w/ the surgery and I have to be down for the longer recovery of 6-8 weeks. It's horrible that there are no resources or supports for people in my position. I know I can't be the only one going through this.
Tomorrow: the pre-op appointments w/ the doc and anesthesiologist. Should be interesting....
For some reason this really resonates with me tonight. Right now I'm completely focused on just getting through the surgery. It's like a part of my psyche has blocked out that this is cancer. It's now "surgery", almost on par w/ the surgeries I've had for the whole sinus thing. I know that once the surgery is done, I'll have the kicking in of some of the more long term emotional crap and depression, but for now it's almost a relief to just be dealing w/ the fear of surgery.
I think part of the fear is coming from that feeling that I've always had a the hospital being prepped for surgery. The endless waiting, getting the IV put in really makes it all seem horribly real. And then, just when I'm at the emotional breaking point, they come and give me that pre-anesthesia stuff that makes all my problems go away. At my last sinus surgery I ended up singing christmas carols all the way to the operating room (yes, it was just around christmas) Oh yeah, the operating room was on another floor, and I was singing at the top of my lungs. Yeah, that's how I roll. I'm thinking this time a broadway medley might be in order
The other major thing that has me on edge is the financial side of things. It sucks because I don't qualify for hardly any kind of assistance. I've managed to be able to get $200/mo in food stamps (yeah, that's not a blow to the ol' pride or anything), but basically that's it. I've got enough pesos to cover most of my regular bills for march, but literally, that's it. No money for doctor co pays, the medical bills are already starting to come through, let alone any kind of emergencies that may come up. And heaven forbid there's a complication w/ the surgery and I have to be down for the longer recovery of 6-8 weeks. It's horrible that there are no resources or supports for people in my position. I know I can't be the only one going through this.
Tomorrow: the pre-op appointments w/ the doc and anesthesiologist. Should be interesting....
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My entry into the wonderful world of psychotropic drugs!
At my last visit w/ the oncologist I was given a list of meds I can't take before the surgery. Of course, one of them is my beloved St. Johns Wort. Now, given that I was barely hanging on with that, the thought of two weeks w/o it before surgery was WAAAY beyond anything I can handle. Thankfully my doc is very understanding and put me on Clonopin. Oh how I love my new happy pills!! I almost feel like my old self, and thankfully haven't had anymore breakdowns. I'm not really one for being all medicated, but honestly, having the edge taken off is really making life a LOT more bearable. I don't know how I would have made it through this week at work w/o them.
I'm still stressed out about all this, but I'm trying to keep my focus on the most immediate things: namely getting through surgery and figuring out how to survive until I'm working again. I'm anticipating a smooth surgery and good pain meds for post op. Since I'll be in the hospital at least overnight, I'll definitely have my laptop with me (yay for having a personal hotspot!!), so I'll have lots of hours to harvest my crops and clear my frontier homestead! Of course, I'll keep everyone update w/ how I'm doing. I'm also happy to have visitors bearing flowers and treats of a chocolate or pastry nature (no balloons though, they scare the cats)
The next major crisis is coming with the financial hit. Thankfully my insurance is covering nearly everything, so I won't be overwhelmed w/ medical bills, but it's rent and living expenses that are gonna be scary. For now, I've got two more paychecks coming, and have been looking into assistance, although I seem to be falling through a LOT of the social service cracks. Ugh! I told my attorney I wanted to go ahead and just settle my car accident, so god willing that will come shortly, and that should solve all my financial worries. But for now, fingers crossed that it will all work out.
God never gives us more than what we can handle, right?
Monday, February 14, 2011
No driving, no sexual intercourse.
And of course, no sexual intercourse while driving. This is what the oncologist told me today will be my post operative limitations. Great - as if having cancer isn't bad enough, having to give up my top two favorite activities AND their combination too. FML. Everyone better send me lots of chocolate, that's all I can say!
After talking w/ the doc, I decided to go with a total hysterectomy w/ bilateral salpingo oophrectomy. Doesn't that sound like I'm picking out a new car or ordering a sandwich? In plain english, they'll be taking out the uterus, fallopians & both ovaries. The good news is that doing this procedure has a 90% success rate of solving the problem. For about 1.3 nanoseconds I considered the option of just doing radiation, however as soon as the doc said that the survival rate is around 50%, that pretty much made up my mind. Needless to say, since either option leaves me sterile, I'm gonna go with the option that's gonna give me the highest chance for success, and by success I mean being alive. The doctor said I was lucky that I acted on things as quickly as I had, because otherwise I would have been dead within a year. Well damn, if that's not a message to women everywhere to get their paps done, and to check out any and all things that may even have a hint of being wrong, I don't know what is!
The surgery is scheduled for the 28th, and as long as they don't have any complications, I'll be hospitalize overnight and home the next day. If there is a complication, they'll have to open me up, which will leave me in the hospital for a couple of days, and then a 6-8 week recovery. Needless to say, I'm hoping there's no complications!
As far as my job goes, they're very understanding, and I've got a great supervisor. Unfortunately, because I'm a contractor, and I haven't been w/ them for very long, I'll have to resign my position while I'm recovering. They'll try to re-hire me when I'm recovered, but there's no promises or guarantees. I've gotta do what I need to stay alive, but damn it's frustrating to leave a job I love, and in this economy, the thought of being out of a job again is freakin' me out!
After talking w/ the doc, I decided to go with a total hysterectomy w/ bilateral salpingo oophrectomy. Doesn't that sound like I'm picking out a new car or ordering a sandwich? In plain english, they'll be taking out the uterus, fallopians & both ovaries. The good news is that doing this procedure has a 90% success rate of solving the problem. For about 1.3 nanoseconds I considered the option of just doing radiation, however as soon as the doc said that the survival rate is around 50%, that pretty much made up my mind. Needless to say, since either option leaves me sterile, I'm gonna go with the option that's gonna give me the highest chance for success, and by success I mean being alive. The doctor said I was lucky that I acted on things as quickly as I had, because otherwise I would have been dead within a year. Well damn, if that's not a message to women everywhere to get their paps done, and to check out any and all things that may even have a hint of being wrong, I don't know what is!
The surgery is scheduled for the 28th, and as long as they don't have any complications, I'll be hospitalize overnight and home the next day. If there is a complication, they'll have to open me up, which will leave me in the hospital for a couple of days, and then a 6-8 week recovery. Needless to say, I'm hoping there's no complications!
As far as my job goes, they're very understanding, and I've got a great supervisor. Unfortunately, because I'm a contractor, and I haven't been w/ them for very long, I'll have to resign my position while I'm recovering. They'll try to re-hire me when I'm recovered, but there's no promises or guarantees. I've gotta do what I need to stay alive, but damn it's frustrating to leave a job I love, and in this economy, the thought of being out of a job again is freakin' me out!
Meltdown #2
I consider myself to be a pretty tough cookie. I've worked with the homeless, dealt with people with mental illness, and have always been headstrong and stubborn. But this...I can't handle this one. All of my coping skills are stretched to the ultimate max. For someone like me, who's spent the last 34 years of life being fiercely independent, being this vulnerable and needy is incredibly humbling and I just don't know how to deal. The worst part is that this is just the beginning - I'm only going to become more vulnerable and reliant on the people around me. This is taking my trust issues by the hair, bending them over a table and making them take it w/o lube. Yeah, I know, vulgar imagery, but I'm not in a place to be terribly polite right now.
This meltdown started last night. As some of you may know from my facebook, this whole sterility thing really has my head messed up. It started when I was watching an episode of Weeds, and one of the characters had a baby and the scene showed her handing the baby to the father for the first time. It truly felt like a kick in the gut, and lead to a solid hour an a half of fetal position sobbing with no way to stop. I've been sad before, depressed, heartbroken, etc., but never to this degree. Don't worry, I did eventually call someone, and another hour later I was finally able to snuffle myself to sleep. What finally did it was turning on some lullabies (thank you Pandora!) and remembering when I was a little girl, and sitting in my moms lap in the rocking chair when I got upset. I think as I go through this process, that's going to be my calming focus point - remembering the safe, warm and secure feeling of being wrapped in a marmie hug. I suppose one of the blessing of this is that I have mom supporting me. Sometimes you just really need mom to tell you everything is going to be ok.
So today, I woke up, puffy eyed and unrested, made it through a few hours at work, and finally had to give up the ghost and come home. A solid 4 hour nap later, and I awoke feeling mildly better, or at least functional enough to have some perspective and realize that my life isn't over, just different.
And now to face tomorrow - meeting with the oncologist to come up with the treatment plan. The big question: will I be able to keep my job? Drum roll.......
This meltdown started last night. As some of you may know from my facebook, this whole sterility thing really has my head messed up. It started when I was watching an episode of Weeds, and one of the characters had a baby and the scene showed her handing the baby to the father for the first time. It truly felt like a kick in the gut, and lead to a solid hour an a half of fetal position sobbing with no way to stop. I've been sad before, depressed, heartbroken, etc., but never to this degree. Don't worry, I did eventually call someone, and another hour later I was finally able to snuffle myself to sleep. What finally did it was turning on some lullabies (thank you Pandora!) and remembering when I was a little girl, and sitting in my moms lap in the rocking chair when I got upset. I think as I go through this process, that's going to be my calming focus point - remembering the safe, warm and secure feeling of being wrapped in a marmie hug. I suppose one of the blessing of this is that I have mom supporting me. Sometimes you just really need mom to tell you everything is going to be ok.
So today, I woke up, puffy eyed and unrested, made it through a few hours at work, and finally had to give up the ghost and come home. A solid 4 hour nap later, and I awoke feeling mildly better, or at least functional enough to have some perspective and realize that my life isn't over, just different.
And now to face tomorrow - meeting with the oncologist to come up with the treatment plan. The big question: will I be able to keep my job? Drum roll.......
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The latest...
Well isn't this just kick you in the balls, spit in your mouth fantastic. So I found out today that it's stage 2 endometrial cancer. FUCKIN' A!!! I was seriously hoping it was limited to the cervix, and that it would be something simple to deal with, but noooooo! It has to be all complicated and require surgery. So it looks like a hysterectomy is in my future, and about the only thing I can hope for now is that it will be able to be done laproscopically, which has the shorter recovery time than the full blown slice n' dice.
I told my employer today what's happening. I'm really hoping that they'll work with me. I'll really be screwed up the wazz if I lose my job. The good part is that it's possible to work from home, so hopefully if I'm not physically able to come into the office, I'll be well enough to work from home relatively quickly. If I lose my job...well...let's just not think about that. One massive gorge with no bridge to cross at time...
I told my employer today what's happening. I'm really hoping that they'll work with me. I'll really be screwed up the wazz if I lose my job. The good part is that it's possible to work from home, so hopefully if I'm not physically able to come into the office, I'll be well enough to work from home relatively quickly. If I lose my job...well...let's just not think about that. One massive gorge with no bridge to cross at time...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Have you ever been scared of a vagina?
Ok, so I'll start with the good (?) news. It looks like my insurance will cover everything except $1500 (and really, even my broke ass could come up with that!*) I also got the CT results back, and it looks like the cancer hasn't spread, although there is one slightly swollen lymph node. So 2 tiny cm is all there is so far. THANK GOODNESS!
Now, in the last couple of days things have been nothing short of surreal and insane. One thing that I realized last night is that I'm now suddenly afraid of my vagina. Our society puts this negative mystique to the lady parts, and then when something like this happens, what are women supposed to feel about them? For those of you who've seen Clerks II, you'll recall the scene where Elias explains to Randall about Pillow Pants, the pussy troll**? Yeah, I feel like I have a pussy troll that's moved in and it's freakin' me the fuck out***! I was laying in bed last night, and kept having visions of the evil Pillow Pants just waiting in the dark to bite off some poor unsuspecting penis that gets too close. Does having cancer suddenly doom me to a life of celibacy because I'm completely nuts and want to spare some poor schmuck the Bobbit special? How do you get past thinking of part of your body as diseased?
*with payments of course!
**for those unfamiliar w/ Clerks 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFShaDcoJNY
***thankfully no Listerfiend has taken up residence!
Now, in the last couple of days things have been nothing short of surreal and insane. One thing that I realized last night is that I'm now suddenly afraid of my vagina. Our society puts this negative mystique to the lady parts, and then when something like this happens, what are women supposed to feel about them? For those of you who've seen Clerks II, you'll recall the scene where Elias explains to Randall about Pillow Pants, the pussy troll**? Yeah, I feel like I have a pussy troll that's moved in and it's freakin' me the fuck out***! I was laying in bed last night, and kept having visions of the evil Pillow Pants just waiting in the dark to bite off some poor unsuspecting penis that gets too close. Does having cancer suddenly doom me to a life of celibacy because I'm completely nuts and want to spare some poor schmuck the Bobbit special? How do you get past thinking of part of your body as diseased?
*with payments of course!
**for those unfamiliar w/ Clerks 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFShaDcoJNY
***thankfully no Listerfiend has taken up residence!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Thank GOD for St Johns Wort!
So Friday was most definitely my "This is waaaaaaay too much for me to handle" night. Two days of eating crappy sympathy emotional food didn't help either. Saturday morning I woke up and got back on my usual regimen of healthy homemade food, ridiculous amounts of vitamins and an uber dose of St. John's Wort. I have to say, for me, it has a WONDERFUL calming stabilizing effect without the kooky side effects of a lot of antidepressants. For now, I'm still freaked out and scared, but a lot more resigned, significantly less bitter (but still pissed at my cervix!) and my confidence has made a rebound.
Under the advice of a bunch of friends, I spent most of yesterday doing research on my treatment options, and I've settled on a three step approach. The first is to talk w/ the oncologist about just slicing and cauterizing the hell out of the site where the cancer is if it's not too widespread. That would be the most ideal - it would leave me with a glimmer of hope for fertility (then I just need to worry about finding some good man-seed!). I'm not too hopeful for that option since the gyn has already said it's too spread for that (although what's 2cm, really??) My next choice, and most probable, is to do localize radiation, which would turn my uterus into a raisin and scramble my eggs all to hell. And of course, the final and last resort is a hysterectomy. The only positive with that option is that I've learned one of the few petite things about me is my uterus - only 9cm! (hey, I gotta brag about SOMETHING, right??)
Since I've already made the decision that I'm gonna live through this, my major concern right now is the job situation. Since I still haven't been hired permanently, I'm afraid that I won't have a job if I have to take a month or two off to recover from surgery. I'll still have health insurance, but no pesos for silly things like co-pays, food, rent...you know, the whole survival thing.... So my big job of the next two days is to find out what security I do have w/ the job, and what my options are if I do lose my job - hopefully nothing too bad (although I'm pretty sure I'll be able to defer my student loans for a few months, so that's something I guess, right?) For now though, I'm keeping it all on the DL at work until I know exactly what's going on w/ my treatments.
On a different tangent, I told my sister and niece today about the cancer, and it was heartbreaking. Since my sister has known folks who've died from cervical cancer, I know this hit her really hard. Although my niece was pretty quiet, one look in those brown eyes told me she was FREAKED! This is reason #475 why I'm fucking mad as hell as cancer - It's HORRIBLE to have to tell your family, the people who love you the most, that you're facing a major illness and see the fear on their faces. One thing that's come out of all of this is that I am feeling extremely loved and supported by my family and friends.
So for now, I'm feeling back on my game, and ready for tomorrow when the test results come in and a treatment plan is put into place!
Under the advice of a bunch of friends, I spent most of yesterday doing research on my treatment options, and I've settled on a three step approach. The first is to talk w/ the oncologist about just slicing and cauterizing the hell out of the site where the cancer is if it's not too widespread. That would be the most ideal - it would leave me with a glimmer of hope for fertility (then I just need to worry about finding some good man-seed!). I'm not too hopeful for that option since the gyn has already said it's too spread for that (although what's 2cm, really??) My next choice, and most probable, is to do localize radiation, which would turn my uterus into a raisin and scramble my eggs all to hell. And of course, the final and last resort is a hysterectomy. The only positive with that option is that I've learned one of the few petite things about me is my uterus - only 9cm! (hey, I gotta brag about SOMETHING, right??)
Since I've already made the decision that I'm gonna live through this, my major concern right now is the job situation. Since I still haven't been hired permanently, I'm afraid that I won't have a job if I have to take a month or two off to recover from surgery. I'll still have health insurance, but no pesos for silly things like co-pays, food, rent...you know, the whole survival thing.... So my big job of the next two days is to find out what security I do have w/ the job, and what my options are if I do lose my job - hopefully nothing too bad (although I'm pretty sure I'll be able to defer my student loans for a few months, so that's something I guess, right?) For now though, I'm keeping it all on the DL at work until I know exactly what's going on w/ my treatments.
On a different tangent, I told my sister and niece today about the cancer, and it was heartbreaking. Since my sister has known folks who've died from cervical cancer, I know this hit her really hard. Although my niece was pretty quiet, one look in those brown eyes told me she was FREAKED! This is reason #475 why I'm fucking mad as hell as cancer - It's HORRIBLE to have to tell your family, the people who love you the most, that you're facing a major illness and see the fear on their faces. One thing that's come out of all of this is that I am feeling extremely loved and supported by my family and friends.
So for now, I'm feeling back on my game, and ready for tomorrow when the test results come in and a treatment plan is put into place!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Nuclear fallout doesn't begin to describe it....
I'm mad. I'm mad as hell. I'm mad women who can have children. I'm mad at God. I'm mad at my cervix. I'm mad at the doctors for telling me this. I'm mad at my contacts for fogging up when I have a sobbing fit. I'm just fucking mad as fuck that this happening to me. Bad stuff like this is supposed to happen to bad people, like nazis or pedophiles or republicans. IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!
Things were just starting to come together for me. I'm done with school, I have a job I enjoy...I was finally in a place where it was realistic for me to begin settling down and actually consider having a family. Everyone else around me is settled and having families, so why is it so unrealistic to want that for myself? Oh yeah, because fucking cancer is destroying even a glimmer of hope. We all know I've been ambivalent about having kids, but this has just blown it all out of the water. Knowing that now I can't have them is hands down the absolute worst part of all of this. Why the fuck did I put it off? I mean, if I had just one, I'd be ok. But knowing that I'll never feel a baby kick, or be able to nurse...what the fucking hell!?!? Yes, I know I can always adopt, and there's lots of kids that need homes. I never said this was fucking rational, and I know when this is all done, that's probably what I'll do, but for now I'm pretty sure this is the end of the goddamned world.
I used to joke about only being afraid of bears and zombies, but the reality is that this is hands down the scariest nightmare I could ever imagine, and there's no waking up.
Things were just starting to come together for me. I'm done with school, I have a job I enjoy...I was finally in a place where it was realistic for me to begin settling down and actually consider having a family. Everyone else around me is settled and having families, so why is it so unrealistic to want that for myself? Oh yeah, because fucking cancer is destroying even a glimmer of hope. We all know I've been ambivalent about having kids, but this has just blown it all out of the water. Knowing that now I can't have them is hands down the absolute worst part of all of this. Why the fuck did I put it off? I mean, if I had just one, I'd be ok. But knowing that I'll never feel a baby kick, or be able to nurse...what the fucking hell!?!? Yes, I know I can always adopt, and there's lots of kids that need homes. I never said this was fucking rational, and I know when this is all done, that's probably what I'll do, but for now I'm pretty sure this is the end of the goddamned world.
I used to joke about only being afraid of bears and zombies, but the reality is that this is hands down the scariest nightmare I could ever imagine, and there's no waking up.
And so it begins....
So far today has been moderately better than yesterday. At the very least I've had less orifices invaded. And by less, I mean different. Today was the abdominal CT to make sure the cancer hasn't spread anywhere. I will say, the docs are moving crazy fast on this one! It's amazing what a potentially fatal illness will do for you when it comes to making specialist appointments!
For those of you who've never experienced the joys and wonders of drinking 33.8140227 US fluid ounces of a delicious barium berry smoothie, let me tell you - it's something to be missed! Now, we've all had the flu or upset tummy and had to take a couple teaspoons of pepto. Take that memory and imagine you're forced to drink 33.8140227 US fluid ounces of berry flavored pepto. cold. through a straw. on an empty stomach. And the clincher: as I'm sucking down the last dregs of the bottle, the nurse tells me that it's a laxative. FML.
The rest of the procedure was mostly unremarkable - I still don't like IV's and now I know that I don't like having iodine pushed through them. Having had sinus CT's in the past, I will say that it was nice to go into das uber claustro tube feet first. I was even happily amused by the light up breathe/hold your breath faces. You'd be surprised at how challenging it can be to draw a face that means "hold your breath", as opposed to "you're gonna vomit now."
I also talked with my gyn today a little calmer and more relaxed than I was yesterday. The gist of my diagnosis is this: it's either stage 1 cervical cancer or stage 2 uterine cancer. The downside is that it's too advanced to just cut out the ucky bits. At least that little hope bud was nipped fast and early. If it's just cervical, I'll most likely have radiation treatment and if it's uterine, a hysterectomy. I'm shooting for localized radiation myself - I get to keep the hair on my head, but never have to do a bikini wax again! Woot woot!
Up next....the emotional fallout...
For those of you who've never experienced the joys and wonders of drinking 33.8140227 US fluid ounces of a delicious barium berry smoothie, let me tell you - it's something to be missed! Now, we've all had the flu or upset tummy and had to take a couple teaspoons of pepto. Take that memory and imagine you're forced to drink 33.8140227 US fluid ounces of berry flavored pepto. cold. through a straw. on an empty stomach. And the clincher: as I'm sucking down the last dregs of the bottle, the nurse tells me that it's a laxative. FML.
The rest of the procedure was mostly unremarkable - I still don't like IV's and now I know that I don't like having iodine pushed through them. Having had sinus CT's in the past, I will say that it was nice to go into das uber claustro tube feet first. I was even happily amused by the light up breathe/hold your breath faces. You'd be surprised at how challenging it can be to draw a face that means "hold your breath", as opposed to "you're gonna vomit now."
I also talked with my gyn today a little calmer and more relaxed than I was yesterday. The gist of my diagnosis is this: it's either stage 1 cervical cancer or stage 2 uterine cancer. The downside is that it's too advanced to just cut out the ucky bits. At least that little hope bud was nipped fast and early. If it's just cervical, I'll most likely have radiation treatment and if it's uterine, a hysterectomy. I'm shooting for localized radiation myself - I get to keep the hair on my head, but never have to do a bikini wax again! Woot woot!
Up next....the emotional fallout...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The first 7 hours....
So I got a call from my gyn today, and just after 12:00pm, my entire world flipped upside. I was told I have cervical cancer and that mine is rare, unusual and aggressive. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl, so leave it to me to get the weird stuff! Since I was just on my way into work, I immediately turned back around and headed home (after a melt down in the car, of course).
To give a little background, it started a few weeks ago when I went for my regular pap, which came back abnormal. As a "precaution" it was decided to do a colposcopy (where why take a big ol' magnifying lens to your cervix! FUN!), which resulted in the gyn doing a biopsy (yay! more fun times!). After talking w/ the doc, and then my own googling, I was mildly concerned, but reassured that in these cases, it's usually nothing, and something they just keep an eye on. Ummm yeah, so much for that!
Flash forward to the rest of my day: visit to the oncologist (aka he-who-has-no-sense-of-humor), which included more poking and prodding at my lady bits (let's be honest with ourselves, men just don't have the right touch when it comes to using a speculum in the vagina.). And fun-est time of all: a rectal (so he could feel the back side of my cervix). Now if getting a diagnosis of cancer is the whipped cream on your sundae, then a big ol' man-finger up your backside truly is the cherry with the nuts on top! The rest of the day was less eventful, with a million vials of blood being drawn, xrays and EKG. I wonder what medical wonders and joys are up for next week?
The Impact:
My initial freaking out came with the immediate fear of dying. I mean, who wants to die when they've just finished college (finally!), and still have years of crippling student loan debt to pay off? I'll be damned if I suffered through all those science and math classes to be taken out by cancer!! Never mind that I still haven't eaten at a Roscoe's Chicken n' Waffles....
To give a little background, it started a few weeks ago when I went for my regular pap, which came back abnormal. As a "precaution" it was decided to do a colposcopy (where why take a big ol' magnifying lens to your cervix! FUN!), which resulted in the gyn doing a biopsy (yay! more fun times!). After talking w/ the doc, and then my own googling, I was mildly concerned, but reassured that in these cases, it's usually nothing, and something they just keep an eye on. Ummm yeah, so much for that!
Flash forward to the rest of my day: visit to the oncologist (aka he-who-has-no-sense-of-humor), which included more poking and prodding at my lady bits (let's be honest with ourselves, men just don't have the right touch when it comes to using a speculum in the vagina.). And fun-est time of all: a rectal (so he could feel the back side of my cervix). Now if getting a diagnosis of cancer is the whipped cream on your sundae, then a big ol' man-finger up your backside truly is the cherry with the nuts on top! The rest of the day was less eventful, with a million vials of blood being drawn, xrays and EKG. I wonder what medical wonders and joys are up for next week?
The Impact:
My initial freaking out came with the immediate fear of dying. I mean, who wants to die when they've just finished college (finally!), and still have years of crippling student loan debt to pay off? I'll be damned if I suffered through all those science and math classes to be taken out by cancer!! Never mind that I still haven't eaten at a Roscoe's Chicken n' Waffles....
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