If any of you have ever had a colonoscopy or abdominal surgery, you'll know what the next two hours of my life are going to be like. For those not in the know, anytime they work on yer innerds, you have to have a completely free and clear digestive tract. This is achieved through a thoroughly unnatural method known as "GoLYTELY". I don't know what sick fucker came up with a name like that (pronounced go-lightly), but he has one hell of a wicked, bordering on sadistic sense of humor. The extra kick in the throat - I have to drink a gallon (yes, a GALLON!) of the stuff, 8oz every 10 min. until its gone, or I'm empty. I've fully prepared myself with Charmin extra soft, wipes, and cream. Let's see how this goes....
5:30pm: first 8oz down. It doesn't taste so bad, but the texture is thick and salty. Not feeling anything yet.
5:40pm: Next dose went down like the first - yucky and slimy. Still nothing.
5:55pm: I'm pretty sure maybe everyone was just fucking with me. A few burps, but that's it. I am starting to feel a little water logged and sloshy, and the flavor/texture is becoming tolerable.
6:10pm: I definitely concur w/ the doctors advice to make sure it's super cold. I've been keeping it in the freezer between doses, and oddly enough it's getting less nasty and slimy tasting the longer it's in there. I'm feeling decidedly less full than I was when I started the mixture and given the scope and magnitude of my last meal, this is a little disconcerting.
6:20pm: LIES!!! ALL LIES!!! I feel fine (if not a little water logged). Admittedly, all the hype has had me wonderfully distracted from the surgery. Dang I'm getting a little burpy....
6:34pm: I'm starting to dread opening my freezer, knowing that the fluid level in the gallon jug isn't anywhere near where I want it to be. GROAN!
6:45: Ok...a little rumbling starting. Is this the beginning of the torture everyone was warning about?
6:57: Round one - honestly, not that bad Certainly nothing worth make a hubbub about. I'll spare the details, but honestly, I've had worse. Food poisoning is worse than this. Pshaw! That's the last time I listen to my friends about drinking gallons of laxatives.
7:12: Yeah, it's all hype. Bullshit hype! The only problem right now is that I'm starting to get hungry, I have a house full of all kinds of yummy food, and can't touch any of it. Sad panda.
7:25: Why would people make up something as awful as explosive, painful, vaseline-requiring diarrhea? It makes no sense to me at all. I mean, yeah, it's amusing to mess with peoples heads sometimes about silly stuff like poop, but honestly I'm feeling a little let down, like maybe there's something wrong with me? Or like my digestive system is crazy slower than everyone else?
7:41: I'm seriously tired of drinking this stuff. I mean, if I'm thirsty, I can suck down fluids like a camel, but we're starting to reach the water (drinking) torture level here. It's just cruel to make someone drink this much fluid. Why can't it come in pill form? What's wrong with a pill?
7:55: Oh my! I just lost about 18lbs of "fluids" in about 8.2 nanoseconds. My goodness!
8:10: another 14lbs....another 3.4 nanoseconds. You know, there's no way this could be called the "squirts". See, that implies that there is some kind of way to control this, or at the least it's a small amount. Like "blip" ooops I squirted! No, the area of my body formerly known as my backside has turned into a freakin' fire hose.
8:20: Ok...a reprieve...I might make it through this....
8:56: I give...I'll tell you anything you want, just don't make me drink anymore!! I'll tell you where the microfiche is! I'll tell you where Hoffa's buried!!! I'll confess to whatever crime you want me to! JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!
9:15: Clear. The nurse said I have to keep drinking until everything coming out is clear. It is NOT NATURAL for the digestive tract to run clear. Then the nurse said to also drink more clear fluids in addition to the slurry. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! I'm bloating up and a giant cankle as it is!
9:40: Mommy....hold me....hold me tight mommy....make it stop!!!
10:57: FINALLY! All clear. And I didn't have to quite drink it all (yeah, less than half a liter left.)
11:17: WHY!??!?! Sweet baby jesus in the manger WHY?!?!? It was clear....all fluid...all clear....now, well, not clear. SON OF A.......
11:51: Seriously, I almost didn't make it this last trip. Why would a doctor do this to their patients?? It's just cruel!
12:09: Well, it's officially after midnight, so nothing else can go in the tummy - THANK GOD! Things have been quiet for the last 15 min or so...maybe it's done?
Ok, now that I'm officially through the worst of it, here are my thoughts:
1. This colon cleansing violates the Geneva Convention mandate on human rights.
2. GoLytely is officially a form of cruel and unusual punishment in every state in the union.
3. Contrary to all advice, the coming out isn't the problem-it's the going in.
I feel totally drained, and empty...yet ironically and horrifyingly hungry. FML.
7 hours till surgery....yeah, I'm TOTALLY gonna sleep well tonight! LOL!
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