Meltdown #2

I consider myself to be a pretty tough cookie.  I've worked with the homeless, dealt with people with mental illness, and have always been headstrong and stubborn.  But this...I can't handle this one.  All of my coping skills are stretched to the ultimate max.  For someone like me, who's spent the last 34 years of life being fiercely independent, being this vulnerable and needy is incredibly humbling and I just don't know how to deal.  The worst part is that this is just the beginning - I'm only going to become more vulnerable and reliant on the people around me.  This is taking my trust issues by the hair, bending them over a table and making them take it w/o lube.  Yeah, I know, vulgar imagery, but I'm not in a place to be terribly polite right now.

This meltdown started last night.  As some of you may know from my facebook, this whole sterility thing really has my head messed up.  It started when I was watching an episode of Weeds, and one of the characters had a baby and the scene showed her handing the baby to the father for the first time.  It truly felt like a kick in the gut, and lead to a solid hour an a half of fetal position sobbing with no way to stop.  I've been sad before, depressed, heartbroken, etc., but never to this degree.  Don't worry, I did eventually call someone, and another hour later I was finally able to snuffle myself to sleep.  What finally did it was turning on some lullabies (thank you Pandora!) and remembering when I was a little girl, and sitting in my moms lap in the rocking chair when I got upset.  I think as I go through this process, that's going to be my calming focus point - remembering the safe, warm and secure feeling of being wrapped in a marmie hug.   I suppose one of the blessing of this is that I have mom supporting me.  Sometimes you just really need mom to tell you everything is going to be ok.

So today, I woke up, puffy eyed and unrested, made it through a few hours at work, and finally had to give up the ghost and come home.  A solid 4 hour nap later, and I awoke feeling mildly better, or at least functional enough to have some perspective and realize that my life isn't over, just different.

And now to face tomorrow - meeting with the oncologist to come up with the treatment plan.  The big question: will I be able to keep my job?  Drum roll.......