I'm mad. I'm mad as hell. I'm mad women who can have children. I'm mad at God. I'm mad at my cervix. I'm mad at the doctors for telling me this. I'm mad at my contacts for fogging up when I have a sobbing fit. I'm just fucking mad as fuck that this happening to me. Bad stuff like this is supposed to happen to bad people, like nazis or pedophiles or republicans. IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!
Things were just starting to come together for me. I'm done with school, I have a job I enjoy...I was finally in a place where it was realistic for me to begin settling down and actually consider having a family. Everyone else around me is settled and having families, so why is it so unrealistic to want that for myself? Oh yeah, because fucking cancer is destroying even a glimmer of hope. We all know I've been ambivalent about having kids, but this has just blown it all out of the water. Knowing that now I can't have them is hands down the absolute worst part of all of this. Why the fuck did I put it off? I mean, if I had just one, I'd be ok. But knowing that I'll never feel a baby kick, or be able to nurse...what the fucking hell!?!? Yes, I know I can always adopt, and there's lots of kids that need homes. I never said this was fucking rational, and I know when this is all done, that's probably what I'll do, but for now I'm pretty sure this is the end of the goddamned world.
I used to joke about only being afraid of bears and zombies, but the reality is that this is hands down the scariest nightmare I could ever imagine, and there's no waking up.
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