Tell him about that you've made a plan.
I don't know that I would consider myself one of those crazy planning people - you know the ones who have rigid schedules, and their entire lives are regimented down to the minute. At the same time, I am goal and plan oriented. I set a goal, I make my plan, and I do it. With my life, I work best when there's a plan (good or bad!), and being chaotic or out of control is SOOOO not my thing. But with this whole cancer thing, everything is thrown into a tailspin. There is no planning anymore. I see conferences, plays, movies, etc. that I'd love to go see, and I have to check myself and say, wait, am I going to be well enough to go? Even more important -- am I going to be alive then?
When you have a doctor tell you that you are within months of dying, it really does put a whole new perspective on things. Not so much with the whole "Oh if only I'd done *blank*", but at my age, death and dying just aren't things that you think about. Up until now, I was thinking, grad school, marriage, family...now I'm thinking who's going to take care of my cats if I die. That's pretty fucked up. LOL! At the same time, there's a part of me that's not all negative about death. If the worst case scenario happens, I'm feeling peaceful about it. I know that I've lived a good life - I've loved, laughed, danced and sang. I am loved and if I do die, I know I'll be remembered.
Ok, yeah, that was depressing as fuck, right? See, that's what makes this situation so nutty - on the one hand, I'm gonna go all Chuck Norris over this cancer and teach it a thing or two about messing with the Prairie Dog, and then I get all reflective about what it's going to be like to let go of life. One thing that I can say with all certainty is that I want to live, and I'll do whatever I need to keep on going. As most of you know, passivity is NOT part of my nature, but I want to handle this with as much grace and dignity as I can (yeah so what if I trip on flat surfaces!)
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