Four days and counting.....

"Although there is no certainty about what lies ahead, people live with the hope that all will go well for them. It is impossible to fulfill our life when we are utterly discouraged. But if we manage to keep our hopes in the future alive, we will be able to overcome all sorts of difficulties and go on living."    ~Dalai Lama


For some reason this really resonates with me tonight.  Right now I'm completely focused on just getting through the surgery.  It's like a part of my psyche has blocked out that this is cancer.  It's now "surgery", almost on par w/ the surgeries I've had for the whole sinus thing.  I know that once the surgery is done, I'll have the kicking in of some of the more long term emotional crap and depression, but for now it's almost a relief to just be dealing w/ the fear of surgery.


I think part of the fear is coming from that feeling that I've always had a the hospital being prepped for surgery.  The endless waiting, getting the IV put in really makes it all seem horribly real.  And then, just when I'm at the emotional breaking point, they come and give me that pre-anesthesia stuff that makes all my problems go away.  At my last sinus surgery I ended up singing christmas carols all the way to the operating room (yes, it was just around christmas)  Oh yeah, the operating room was on another floor, and I was singing at the top of my lungs.  Yeah, that's how I roll.  I'm thinking this time a broadway medley might be in order


The other major thing that has me on edge is the financial side of things.  It sucks because I don't qualify for hardly any kind of assistance.  I've managed to be able to get $200/mo in food stamps (yeah, that's not a blow to the ol' pride or anything), but basically that's it. I've got enough pesos to cover most of my regular bills for march, but literally, that's it.  No money for doctor co pays, the medical bills are already starting to come through, let alone any kind of emergencies that may come up.  And heaven forbid there's a complication w/ the surgery and I have to be down for the longer recovery of 6-8 weeks.  It's horrible that there are no resources or supports for people in my position.  I know I can't be the only one going through this. 


Tomorrow: the pre-op appointments w/ the doc and anesthesiologist.  Should be interesting....