So Friday was most definitely my "This is waaaaaaay too much for me to handle" night. Two days of eating crappy sympathy emotional food didn't help either. Saturday morning I woke up and got back on my usual regimen of healthy homemade food, ridiculous amounts of vitamins and an uber dose of St. John's Wort. I have to say, for me, it has a WONDERFUL calming stabilizing effect without the kooky side effects of a lot of antidepressants. For now, I'm still freaked out and scared, but a lot more resigned, significantly less bitter (but still pissed at my cervix!) and my confidence has made a rebound.
Under the advice of a bunch of friends, I spent most of yesterday doing research on my treatment options, and I've settled on a three step approach. The first is to talk w/ the oncologist about just slicing and cauterizing the hell out of the site where the cancer is if it's not too widespread. That would be the most ideal - it would leave me with a glimmer of hope for fertility (then I just need to worry about finding some good man-seed!). I'm not too hopeful for that option since the gyn has already said it's too spread for that (although what's 2cm, really??) My next choice, and most probable, is to do localize radiation, which would turn my uterus into a raisin and scramble my eggs all to hell. And of course, the final and last resort is a hysterectomy. The only positive with that option is that I've learned one of the few petite things about me is my uterus - only 9cm! (hey, I gotta brag about SOMETHING, right??)
Since I've already made the decision that I'm gonna live through this, my major concern right now is the job situation. Since I still haven't been hired permanently, I'm afraid that I won't have a job if I have to take a month or two off to recover from surgery. I'll still have health insurance, but no pesos for silly things like co-pays, food, rent...you know, the whole survival thing.... So my big job of the next two days is to find out what security I do have w/ the job, and what my options are if I do lose my job - hopefully nothing too bad (although I'm pretty sure I'll be able to defer my student loans for a few months, so that's something I guess, right?) For now though, I'm keeping it all on the DL at work until I know exactly what's going on w/ my treatments.
On a different tangent, I told my sister and niece today about the cancer, and it was heartbreaking. Since my sister has known folks who've died from cervical cancer, I know this hit her really hard. Although my niece was pretty quiet, one look in those brown eyes told me she was FREAKED! This is reason #475 why I'm fucking mad as hell as cancer - It's HORRIBLE to have to tell your family, the people who love you the most, that you're facing a major illness and see the fear on their faces. One thing that's come out of all of this is that I am feeling extremely loved and supported by my family and friends.
So for now, I'm feeling back on my game, and ready for tomorrow when the test results come in and a treatment plan is put into place!
Oh, and this is from my sister's FB, which I thought was beautiful and should be shared!
ReplyDelete"After not near enough enemies to kill in Black Ops settled on Little Big Planet.
Her cancer diagnosis faded into the background as we howled with laughter at the dancing sack puppets.
The tears in my eyes now belie the contentment from a day well spent."